Dad's Gaming Addiction

Pat Benatar had it right…love is indeed a battlefield.  It’s been a full year since my life suddenly derailed when the woman I was dating for thirteen years decided to cheat on me with another woman.  The event threw me into a pit and I’ll be honest, there were plenty of times where I just wanted to give up on life.  I’m glad I didn’t.  I wish I could go back in time right now and tell my one year younger self that everything would turn out OK.  It wouldn’t be easy, but life does have a way of moving on.  This blog post will hopefully serve as hope to those of you who are currently going through what I did not too long ago.

Jennifer and I weren’t exactly a good match for each other.  We loved each other.  We grew comfortable with each other.  We shared a lot of laughs and a lot of hard times together.  She had her faults, but I did too.  It’s important to recognize that no one is perfect, no matter how good or one-sided a relationship may seem.  Finger pointing also gets people nowhere, as it doesn’t do anything to address the problems themselves.  We both did things to piss each other off, but that’s to be expected.  Fighting fairly and learning to communicate well in those situations goes a long way toward alleviating that kind of stress.  Unfortunately, we didn’t communicate well and without a doubt, I was partially to blame.

I paid the bills and supported the family financially.  She had two older kids of her own who I also fed, clothed, and tried to keep up with on an emotional level.  There were times I felt so stressed out that I didn’t want to be bothered with concerts or school plays, or to drive them places they wanted to go and what not.  I look back and wonder if I was a good father-figure to them.  I’ve been told that financially supporting a family isn’t enough and while I agree with that, being a door mat doesn’t make one happy either. Finding that middle ground between being selfless and selfish was, and is, a difficult task.  After all, you can’t make others happy if you yourself are not.

I’ve also been told that they weren’t even my kids, so the fact that I manned up and supported them said a lot about my character.  I agree with that too.  I took on a lot of responsibility that I didn’t have to, but was willing to, because that’s what significant others do.  Jen had a lot of medical problems and when she did work, none of it went to the mortgage, light, gas, and other things needed to keep a roof over our heads.  To be fair, most of her money went to paying for stuff that her kids might have needed, like school concert trips and etc.  While I wished I had more help financially from her, I also recognize that being in a relationship means being a team and working together even if it can feel one-sided at times.

I cooked & cleaned as well, so part of me felt like she wasn’t pulling her weight.  I even took her cousin in (who is over twenty mind you) when he needed a place to stay so he could go to medical school.  When I asked for rent (which barely put a dent in the water or food he ate), he’d literally throw the money at me as if I should have kissed the ground he walked on instead.  I kicked him out of the house when he wouldn’t stop taking thirty to-forty-five minute showers and I suspect that this further caused a rift in the already stress-filled house.  I was raised to respect others, especially when they are going out of their way to do something nice for you.  Taking me for granted is one quick way to piss me off and looking back, I would have done it again.

I helped her enroll in a psych program for women that could help her with her anxiety and depression.  She met someone there (who eventually raged quit out of the program) and the two of them became good friends.  In January 2017, Jen and I got into a fight and she left with this friend (who was married).  Said friend also broke my front door in an overdramatic display, costing me $1,000+ to replace.  I was devastated and that’s when my downward spiral truly began.

I tried like hell to get her back because I did indeed love her.  When I did see her, I noticed that she was wearing jewelry she hadn’t been wearing before.  Her friend’s profile had a post that said LR 1/26/17…which I see now is short for lesbian relationship.  I confronted both of them on it and they lied to me, saying that nothing was going on.  I even gave Jen money to help her with her cell phone bill as a show of good faith and took her and her friend out to lunch multiple times trying to mend fences.  In March, Jen told me we were done, later admitting that she had relations with this woman shortly after leaving in January.

I’m not trying to “diss” Jen as she had a lot of problems and had a good heart (prior to this, that is).  Her weight and health made doing anything difficult and with the kids (hers and mine) not eager to step up and do chores without being told, a lot of the responsibility fell on me to hold the ship together.  I suspect that if she were healthier and could support herself, she’d be a wonderful companion to have next to you.  I suppose I just wasn’t making her happy and had to come to terms with that.  Some relationships just weren’t meant to be and it’s difficult to end them when they start to feel “comfortable”.

In June 2017 I began talking to one of my fans…a young woman by the name of Aidalee (some of you know her as Nev).  She loves games and has an amazing sense of humor.  She moved in with me in October 2017 and I couldn’t be happier.  Too soon?  Perhaps…but YOLO.  Time’s too precious, I realize, to not take chances.  I don’t know how things will play out and I don’t know if she’ll continue to love me after the magic wears off, but I have a good feeling about her.

While I sometimes wonder how Jen’s kids, Lucy (our dog), and the six ferrets are doing, I have to remind myself that life is sometimes harsh when it decides to make decisions for you.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again and that makes me incredibly sad, among other things.  These are people I lived with and supported for years and all the sudden they get ripped away and only contact me if they need something from me.  The fact that they now only reach out to me when they need something just solidifies my suspicions that I was being used…and the thought of me being used for thirteen years kind of pisses me off.  I wasn’t asking for a shrine, for crying out loud, but some appreciation would have been nice.

That brings me to some sage advice.  If your relationship does end abruptly, you may feel like you need to do everything in your power to win them back.  They might even ask you for things as Jen did to me.  Every situation is different mind you, but I highly, highly recommend you stay true to who you are.  You’re going to want to sacrifice and agree to things you wouldn’t normally agree to…I know, because I almost did.  My therapist, who I started seeing shortly after Jen left, advised that I not do anything rash and you know what, she was correct.  If you and your ex can communicate and work things out, great…but only if both of you have nothing to hide.  I felt like an idiot for trying so hard to win her back when all this time she was sleeping with this other (married) woman.

I also can’t stress how important TRUST is in a relationship.  When I come home from work, I should be able to breathe a side of relief knowing that the woman I’m with has my back.  Nothing hurt me more than finding out that Jen didn’t have my back…rather I felt like she stabbed me in it…all the while accusing me of cheating on her all because I went to a gaming store on a night I normally wouldn’t.  She even had her oldest son follow me and take a picture of my car in the parking lot and somehow, this was proof that I was cheating.  In a public store.  Around several people.  It was this event, I later realized, that drove a nail into the coffin.  If you can’t see yourself trusting your partner or if you see them doing things that question your faith in their morality, it’s simply not going to work.

People change.  This fact makes it more important than ever to keep a head on your shoulders and not lose sight of who you are and what you’re about.  Breakups suck, especially if they are sudden and blind side you, but you learn to get over it and move on.  Find something else to focus on, like your kids, an animal, your job, a hobby, anything.  If you don’t know who you are and what you want out of life, then that needs to be your first step, first and foremost.  As an aside, music helped me a lot, as did talking to people who have experience with this kind of thing.  Hang in there…things WILL get better.  Time, it seems, is truly the healer of all wounds.

While painful, it’s extremely helpful to cut ties with anyone who stops talking with you or judges you without knowing the full story.  Real friends don’t do that and sometimes it takes a break-up to see how fake some people really are.  You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life and you certainly don’t need anyone’s approval but your own. Why pretend?  I honestly can’t think of any good reasons.

Despite my anger and feelings of betrayal, I wish Jen and her partner all the best.  May they find the happiness that they were so desperately looking for.

“She is yours. After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” – Spock, Amok Time