There comes a point in everyone’s life where they stop trying to please other people and instead focus on themselves. Okay, so maybe not everyone does this in their lifetime. Some people are perfectly content in allowing other people to dictate what they say and do. You know who you are. I suppose as an introvert it comes to me more naturally, but I typically have no problem cutting people out of my life when it suits me. Yes, there are times I am tempted to reach out to the offending people and try to make amends, and then I remember what they did to me and consequently remember why they don’t deserve my time.
I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be selfish. There are some genuinely good people out there willing to go the extra mile to help you out. There are others who have their own agenda who use you for as far as they can take you. The crazy part is that we ALL know this, yet we continue to seek out the toxicity. Why? Perhaps some weird need to relive nostalgia and somehow surgically slice out all the bad things from the good things. Some people just get lonely and have no choice but to go back to what they’re used to, even if it is bad. Others find this odd comfort in being controlled, as if they never grew up and always relied on mommy telling them what to do. I can’t speak for anyone else, but that last bit would drive me CRAZY.
Time to cut the cord.
Honest to goodness, I’ve been called a narcissist by a few different people. Close people. In my experience, this is often the go-to when controlling people see that you’re putting your foot down. They attempt to make you feel guilty. They attempt to regain that control through manipulation. If you’ve done everything in your power to provide, take care of, be friendly to…whatever…and you’ve SUCCEEDED in doing whatever, then you’re not a narcissist. Narcissists don’t think about others, they aren’t empathetic, and they don’t worry about making amends. These close people, you guessed it, are no longer close people.
Another funny story. Someone close who I hadn’t spoken to in years, out of the blue, called and asked me to cosign on their car. Seriously, not even a hello or how are you. What felt like the first time in history I actually said no to this person. I haven’t heard from them since. Another someone, the aforementioned person’s sister, messaged me out of the blue after five years. She was a bit more cryptic than her brother, but she eventually asked for information that I just didn’t have. No response after that, as if the conversation never happened. You’ll eventually begin to recognize patterns…one being, if someone hasn’t contacted you in years, chances are they want something. Some will even try to be charming about it. It’s a farce. Cut that crap out, like yesterday. You don’t need those people.
There’s something else I need to stress. Family may be blood, but they are still human beings too. If there’s a family member who won’t take the time to reach out to you then clearly you are not foremost in their thoughts. Why should YOU continue to be the one to connect when the other person doesn’t make an effort? “But Vince, they’re family!” Screw that. “Every year, more than 10 million men and women in the U.S. are subjected to Domestic Violence” and “A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds in the United States“. If THIS can happen to domestic partners and children…you know, the ones we are supposedly closest too…well. I’ve made my point.
There’s a reason I have 29 friends…sorry 28 friends…on Facebook. I cut out the political cesspool that is Twitter. The majority of Facebook / Social Media people are not your friends. No, really, they’re not. How many people on your friends list have reached out to you in 3 months? 6 months? 12 months? How many do you not even recognize because you haven’t spoken to them for so long? Again, some people are content to allow toxic dribble on their social media feeds. So as long as they have friends they look cool, and the more fakeness the better. That’s grade/high school level thinking right there. Slow clap. I will admit social media can be a form of entertainment, but you don’t need to befriend anyone to find that stuff on the internet.
Thank goodness I’m still friends with Bobby, the womanizing jackass. I wouldn’t be able to find Grogu pictures on the internet if it weren’t for him. *Sarcasm button off*
If you’ve tried to reach out to someone as a decent human being and they don’t respond, it’s not you. They have every right to cut you out for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean you should bend over backwards trying to crawl back into their graces. Your self respect is worth more than that. YOU are worth more than that. For your own sanity, forgive but don’t forget. Keeping your guard up does not make you a narcissist. It just means you’re wise enough to recognize BS when you see it.
To that end, it’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to see to your own happiness and well being. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated better. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to cut out the toxicity. It’s okay to only have a small circle of close friends. It’s okay to be selfish. Just don’t be an ass when you do it.